Are we become so programmed that we become invisible? Everywhere you turn people have covered up every inch of their face. But I am not referring to maks only, glasses, neck gear, hats, everything that can be seen is covered. No more eye contact, just a bowed head as they do not want to be seen.
No reciprocity on the head knob as to acknowledge one presence.
Is it because of the fear that it has been instilled in us? Or is it because of the constant dictation of how to feel?
We have been programmed since our first childhood memories to question ourselves. Since the first question asked by our teacher and questioned if we were sure that the answer we were giving was the right answer.
Programmed to always question ourselves, second-guessing everything and thus creating this uncertainty in our thinking, acting, and reacting to life issues. Did this got transcended to our behaviors?
Have I become so invisible that I am imaging everyone around me to be invisible as well?
I have allowed the external world to take over the little bit that was my own, and take it into their playground. Manipulated and maneuvered to make decisions that are not mine, but others.
The awakening moment of realization has been hard to digest. Why I am so complacent versus others’ decisions of my life?
By digging a bit deeper into my own world I came to realize that I have been like that all my life as I was pushed into submission, into that role.
You are so stubborn. If you only did as I say. You have no choice in the matter, I am the one that decides what you/we will do. You are wrong and here is what you need to do. Are you sure you want to do that? It makes no sense to me…
My own thoughts were shut down. I did not exist. To add salt to the injury, I was made fun of with a stupid smirk and the following: “I am just kidding, don’t take things so seriously”.
Meanwhile, the words resonate in my mind and heart like sharp spears.
The word “kidding” automatically sent me into shut and close down mode. A protective mechanism. Fearful of sharing. Therefore, I was becoming invisible because of it. I allowed negative connotation words to set a seed of doubt in my mind that kept growing.
Words were not the only weapon used.
Body and facial discomfort on one’s attitude made me freeze up and give in. It was so much easier to placate than to endure the wrath of dismay. And, they did that well.
Consequently, I stopped my way of thinking. However, this extended to all aspects of my life. My actions, my friendships the lists can go on for pages. Whatever I said or done was never good enough. Nothing. My circle got smaller and smaller.
My life was someone else’s life. Their wants and decisions mattered. I did not. I had to execute their wishes with no retorque. My world shrunk and I was falling into the never-ending tunnel of life.
It did not matter. I resisted. They came on stronger to squash me down even harder. They had the art of mastering manipulation to satisfy themselves down to a T. Passive-aggressive coming on full force. Made sure they belittle you any opportunity they get. Oh Come on!! You take things too seriously... Frustration and resentment on my part, however, grow stronger and stronger.
Consequently, when my world came crashing down and the opportunity to regain control was there for my taking, I took it with open harm.
Taking control back of your life is not an easy task after years of subliminal control.
Setting in motion house cleaning was the scariest thing I ever did. Knowing that what I wanted to do or say was not weighted any longer. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Freedom at last.
With that new found freedom, came discovery. What a fascinating journey it has been to say the least.
It took me five years to become me. To discover who I was. To feel and be free. I must say I loved who I was. No need for approval anymore. Gone. I became me, no longer the invisible one. It felt good.
I even stopped caring what others thought of me. For the first time in my life I felt free and no longer this invisible person.
The same people that you separate yourself from, cannot tolerate that you can be you. Simple as that.
What I found most fascinating is how quietly they want to change your world again. Project their insecurities upon you.
I found them that not only they are unhappy with themselves but they hate when you, the person that they were able to manipulate to do all they wanted, is not falling back prey to their actions.
It is easy to fall back into that submissive behaviors. Actually, they are so good to weave what they want into your life, that you do not realize until you start to feel aggravated. Tension rises. We get upset that we allow them to do this. We know the signs and yet, we allow them to have their life as they want, and we, have the life they want and stop ours.
Implementing radical changes is not necessary, but me doing me, it sure is. I am me after all, and if you do not like it, sorry to say, is it not my problem anymore. My life is too short and after spending so many years under someone else view of my life, now it is my turn to view my life. Liking it or not that is the way it is going to be.