Sometimes I feel that I play peek-a-boo with my life. Odd feeling I must say. Besides the normal life ups and down that are thrown my way, nothing should prevent me to live my life fully. And yet I still feel that I am hiding and holding back.
Is it fear? Probably most of it, is. Starting a new business, revamping an existing one and being a parent, all in the same day work with only 24 hours in a day, well it is a bit scary.
I am making the right decisions? Yes and no, but only time will tell.
I believe this goes a bit deeper thou. I think it is fear of being judged on all the above. After years of being judged, actually allowing others to judge me, it really placed me in a odd position with me and my inner me.
Why did I allowed others judgement to play into my life? Simple, it started early on. Moved thru life adding others with the same attitude because it was what I knew. And then I became a mother. Life started to take on a different dimension and I started seeing with a different pair of eyes.
The fear was no longer winning. Obviously that since I was a mother, changes were imperative. Was I wanting to pay the price? That was a hard one.
Fought it internally for a few years and then the axe came down. Gone was the negative impact. I needed to make the cut. Hard and painful, very painful in one case, but it was my sanity and the desire to be a good mother, and that was more important. I did not want my child to feel the same pain, the same limitations, the same fears. Living hiding behind the fears was no longer an option. Peeking at life thru the window that just opened for me. All this energy inside was ready to come out and I did not want to keep it in any longer.
Of course it was not easy coming away from the chains, it took time, love and desire. From doubting myself to getting stronger every days. Few years forward, the ground is a bit shaky sometimes, but knowing that I can do this, that what awaits me around the corner looks pretty wonderful. Happiness, and love, that is the reward that came with it.
So why this picture? The wooden pig board, my favorite to collect, is peeking thru and want to play more with the beauty of the world. The smile is knowing that no matter what there is always sunshine, and no judgement of others will change the course of my life. I look at it every morning and smile with it knowing that another great day is just around the corner.